Nine months living life without bingeing. I thought it’d get easier, but it hasn’t. I keep being told to be kind and not to put so much pressure on myself. I’ve been saying the same thing too, but it’s easier said than done.
There’ve been days this month when I’ve been laying down, physically unable to get up.
I’ve felt drained, weary and unmotivated to do anything. If you follow my Instagram feed, you’ll notice that I haven’t really posted during the month of July, and I can’t promise that will change in August.
I made some decisions that I think will help and one of them is to embrace the ‘Pause’.
To pause is like that freeze frame, where everything around you stops, but you’re still able to move, be present and do what needs to be done, before hitting the play button again when you’re in a better state of mind.
To pause means reflecting on the last nine months and reminding myself of the things that may have fallen by the wayside. I know for sure that I haven’t opened my toolbox as often as I should, but allowed my thoughts to run wild. I’m thankful they haven’t led to uncontrollable binge eating, like they would have before, but they certainly haven’t felt good.
To pause means accepting that I’m not out of the recovery woods just yet and the challenge may be different, but it’s still a challenge, nonetheless. Now is a time to pour into me – so I have signed up for a series of counselling sessions to deal with the symptoms of depression I’ve been experiencing and choosing to be present and still with myself.
To pause is not an easy decision to make.
To pause can feel like failure. To pause can feel like you’re letting people down. But I’ve discovered that to pause is to make room for the preparation needed to elevate to the next level in the journey.
Who knows how long that will take, but I’m dedicating August to ‘The Pause’ and I’ll let you know how it goes!