I’ve been binge and restriction free for 8 months now. I’ve consistently faced my life rather than running and hiding from it. I’ve allowed myself to fall in to emotions without judging them or myself, and I’ve expressed how proud I am of myself when I see growth. I’ve taken leaps in to my fears, as a commitment to my vision and have made hard decisions that put me at the centre of my life.
But June; June has been the loneliest month so far.
Not because I don’t have wonderful, supportive people in my life to talk to, but because I got tired of talking. I got tired of reaching out to talk about my feelings and what I was going through. I heard myself saying and typing, “I’m good”, even when it wasn’t true, simply because I was tired of explaining.
The volume of the suicidal thoughts and ideation increased and I heard the cries from within, as I felt the familiar feeling of being trapped in this world. But I didn’t want to talk. I wanted people to know, but I didn’t want to talk.
Do you know the best feeling in the world?
When you can say nothing but feel seen, heard, known and understood by another person.
I always felt like I needed someone – my person – in order to feel that. But in the last few weeks, when I’ve been active on TikTok again, I’ve followed accounts and felt peace and calm soothe my soul through the words being spoken and shared in videos.
My recovery guide suggests strangers as a source of support, and I’ve found that to be true this month. People I don’t know and who don’t know me, were there when I didn’t have the words to speak to myself or express to others. I’m so grateful for them.
Who would’ve thought it – TikTok helped me feel better
June was lonely and I never expected social media to open the door to the encouragement that I needed. But it’s just another sign that my life is changing, there’s a new story being written and on the road of recovery, there is help available everywhere.