Wow! It’s been more than three months since I last posted. To think that on April 15th I hadn’t even started my Cabin Crew training yet and here I am on 28th July laying in a Los Angeles hotel room at 5.11am having operated eight and a half round trips to Barbados, Boston, Mumbai, Miami, Tel Aviv and Los Angeles, not to mention attended my brother’s wedding in Santorini, Greece – it’s mind blowing (yet again!)
So, why is today a good time to stop and write?
Because I’ve finally had some dedicated time to stop, reflect and review my recovery so far and where I am right now.
There’ve been moments over the last three months when I’ve considered putting an end to this blog completely. I know! Why would I do that?
Well, I don’t feel like I add much value to anyone who subscribes because I don’t blog, email or post consistently.
I don’t have any concrete answers or solutions that help people so I end up questioning the point of sharing my journey?
I have so much going on in my life and my creative mind is always thinking of new ideas, that I can’t give this space all of me.
I convince myself that the online world isn’t real and is just a waste of my energy.
But during my reflection, I saw the cycle.
It’s the cycle that has become a habit; I take a step, stand up, show up, speak up, share and be present, then get hit with feelings of inadequacy and self doubt. I start to believe that I’m not enough, don’t deserve the space I occupy and I’m too fat and ugly to be here.
The cycle leads me back in to hiding where I can’t be seen or heard, only to feel trapped and shut down again – by no one else but myself.
I don’t want to live this cycle anymore so I asked whether there was another path I could explore rather than running away.
The answer came pretty quickly: Own all of me, publicly.
It’s uncomfortable but this is recovery; to be unapologetically me. To stop pretending that I’m small, quiet and only take up a little bit of space in this world. To keep standing and shining, to keep speaking and being Me. I’m not shy, I have the experience to talk boldly and confidently about the things I talk about and I’m not afraid to speak or challenge current thinking and practices.
I am however predictably unpredictable and I don’t follow the crowd. This is something I’ve tried to do by conforming because I once believed that being me was unsafe, but my belief system is different now and I trust myself to look after me.
I share when I have something to share. I take my foot off the gas in one area of my life if my attention is needed in another. I don’t always feel the need to give warning about that or tell you all when I choose to have a rest and switch off for a while.
I experience intense emotions that can change from moment to moment and I used to believe it was wrong. I now just understand that’s my personal human experience and embrace it without judgment.
I don’t know what value I add to others and am plagued by thoughts that everyone hates me for being here (it’s so annoying!). This is overthinking that gives me headaches.
I get random bursts of creativity and inspiration which I act on and share, but a lot gets stuck in my head and never makes it out in to the world.
I still struggle with my weight, body appearance and eating habits but I’m even learning to love myself through it.
There’re many parts of my life that don’t seem to connect or fit together as I expect them to and the only way to maintain my peace about that is remembering the one thing I know for sure – my life is my message.
My life is about hope.
I use my personal experiences to inspire, encourage and empower others. Whatever the subject or experience, whichever platform or medium I use to express or communicate it, I share my life experiences to help others believe that they are not alone and can navigate their own unique paths through this life too. I’m not here to direct anyone down the same path as me or tell others what they should think, believe or do, I’m here to direct people back to themselves so they can discover their own path for themselves.
My recovery journey is really just part of my life experience that has given me more to share. It may not be consistently shared or targeted in the way it ‘should’ be, but I can assure you that whatever you hear, see or experience from me, is genuine, honest and coming from a pure heart and real life.
I don’t have a coaching qualification, I’m not a medical profession with letters after my name, but today, I show up in this space with what I believe is more powerful than any certificate … my life experience qualifies me to be here and I speak, not from theory but from real world experience.
I am me. I will continue to be here. And I believe that is enough.
My encouragement to you all today, as I continue to encourage myself as well and have probably said it before, is just that – wherever you show up, show up fully as you because you are enough too.