It was my second trip in my new job as cabin crew.
I was going to Barbados and as we taxied to the runway, I stood in front of a full cabin of passengers for the safety demonstration. Two guys sitting in the front row started laughing and I felt my insides shrink like a piece of unwanted paper, crunching in someone’s hand.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to run; “Who do I think I am? I’m a joke. These guys see me and they’re right, it’s laughable – who am I kidding? I’m not a real cabin crew member, I don’t belong here, I don’t have the right body. I’m just a fat, ugly fraud”.
I swallowed the emotion, didn’t run and didn’t cry, not until I got to the hotel anyway. But by then, I was looking out at the stunning view, nature was soothing my heart, and the whole experience was washed away by each lap of the Caribbean Sea over my feet.
“They were going on holiday, Anny. They were in a good mood, maybe they weren’t laughing at you at all”
My rested mind was shedding light on alternative narratives that weren’t rooted in criticism or limiting beliefs. Was it possible that I was projecting my own insecurities? Was I on high alert, in a new job, reading the cabin for anything that would validate how I felt deep down; “My body doesn’t belong here”?
Three and a half years later and I’m still flying.
I’ve done the safety demonstration hundreds of times since that moment, and while the feeling of vulnerability, being exposed and not having the stereotypical crew member body, races through my mind all the time, my mind is fitter. I face my thoughts and feelings with increased confidence, aware that feeling fat and ugly may attempt to ruin my day and my life, but I get to choose whether it succeeds or not.
I no longer try to resist or silence the inner critic, instead I acknowledge that deep down she’s just afraid and relentlessly trying to keep me safe. I reassure her that I’m okay, I’m safe and I will continue to do the job I love, even if that is fat and ugly!
Welcome to my Do it Fat and Ugly, Cabin Crew series.
Becoming cabin crew was a dream I had from the age of eight, but it wasn’t a dream to be doing it in a larger body. There are incredible benefits to flying long haul as cabin crew and the perceived glamorous lifestyle is one that thousands of people desperately apply for every year. However, I think it’s time to peel back the glossy brochure and show you what the last three and a half years have been like as I’ve done this job in my larger body.
From the intense training where I found myself secretly relying on food to deal with the pressure, navigating narrow aisles and having meltdowns when tights didn’t fit, to sleeping in crew rest bunks and interacting with different people all the time.
I committed to building a life on the other side of recovery and landing my dream job was a massive milestone along that road, but it hasn’t been an easy transition. I hope this series will show you that change isn’t always easy, but it is possible.